?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 

Soon enough, there will be new updates of Carrotia here; but for the… - Carrotia

About Soon enough, there will be new updates of Carrotia here; but for the…

Aug. 29th, 2004 @ 01:02 pm Next Entry
Leave a comment
[User Picture Icon]
From:zolphia
Date:August 30th, 2004 05:47 am (UTC)
(Link)
Finally read the first part.

It stood in the off-pink janitor's closets. It pulsed to life along the sides of beautifully crafted hallways. It hung from the ceiling in immaculately decorated bridge rooms.
It was, however, remarkably absent from Radar.


It took me quite some time to realise that you were talking about the light here. At first I thought it was some hostile creature, creeping through the ship, yet undetected by the ship's radar.
Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention or maybe you weren't clear enough. It's probably a bit of both.

Especially in the beginning you're using rather long sentences. You could've easily cut some in two, thus making them more easy to read.

Instead she fainted testily, much like everything else she did in life.

I would've added how everyone fainted dramatically, especially the women. Though not adding 'because fainting without style would be a sin', because you've already explained it quite clearly how art & style is everything. But this would be an opportunity to show the difference between Poll and the 'normal' rabbits instead of simply telling there's a difference.

On a final note: on my screen the user icon shows "Poll" as "Pol:". Maybe this happened when you shrunk the picture, because in Leo's entry the name's okay.
[User Picture Icon]
From:tiny_and_green
Date:August 30th, 2004 06:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
Long sentences are what I do. Whenever I cut them to pieces I don't feel good about them, so I've decided to use the convenient 'It's necessary for setting the style!' argument, which helps me well in these cases.

Also:

tes-ty, adj. tes-ti-er, tes-ti-est, adv. testily
Irritated, impatient, or exasperated; peevish.

I think that goes with Poll's character pretty damn well, actually.
[User Picture Icon]
From:zolphia
Date:August 30th, 2004 08:02 am (UTC)
(Link)
I think that goes with Poll's character pretty damn well, actually.

After I had already looked up that word myself, I agreed. That wasn't my point.
My point was how adding the way others fainted would show a direct contrast between them and Poll. Instead of always saying there's a contrast.

But I'm just saying my thoughts. Every writer has the right to say: "bollocks to you all!" and do whatever the hell (s)he wants.
[User Picture Icon]
From:tiny_and_green
Date:August 30th, 2004 08:04 am (UTC)
(Link)
*points downwards to the other comment she made*

And anyway, the ending was a definite Poll POV. She had her eyes closed. What do you think she is, an alien?!
[User Picture Icon]
From:zolphia
Date:August 30th, 2004 08:10 am (UTC)
(Link)
*points downwards to the other comment she made*

You mean the comment about lj not showing comments? *confused*

When I read it I thought: "Hmm...this is an opportunity to show the differences" and that's basically what I said. It wasn't "Oh, you should do this and this and...wait let me just show you my version." It wasn't very well-thought.
And yes, she had her eyes closed, but you still wrote "If she'd been able to see".
[User Picture Icon]
From:tiny_and_green
Date:August 30th, 2004 08:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
Also, I know that you mean it in the 'show the differences' way -- I just enjoy arguing about things way too much. ;) (Once scared the fuck out of Arnoud, I did, with that)
[User Picture Icon]
From:zolphia
Date:August 30th, 2004 10:03 am (UTC)
(Link)
Ah yes, Arnoud. He's a good victim. ^_^
(Leave a comment)
Top of Page Powered by LiveJournal.com